The Art of Saying No: Why Setting Boundaries Can Be Life-Changing

How often have you been in a situation when you wanted to say no to something but did not?? Then you spent some time in bed tossing and turning, regretting not saying NO. Today, I am writing on a topic many of you would relate to. The Art of Saying "No".

I always envy those people who are blunt and upfront. Unlike me, those people don't think twice before saying no to something they are uninterested in. I, on the other hand, get in the loop of overthinking about sounding rude or hurting other people's feelings. I always wanted to be like those people and to stop damaging myself emotionally.

However, not being able to say no is one thing and not being able to identify the problem is the other. Thankfully, I am on the 2nd stage. I identified the issue and have been trying to fix it for some years. I am successful, at times. But the most important thing is the realization and the urge to fix it. I am not there yet, and I feel guilty for protecting my energy. But I continue to work on myself to evolve as a better person for myself at the least. If you and I are in the same boat, it's time to address this because it's all about protecting your energy.

Understanding the Importance of Boundaries

You may or may not agree with what I write but you would surely agree with the fact that all of us are dealing with the complexities of life in our ways. We already have a lot on our plates. Then why can't we keep things simple by understanding each other? When you buy a gadget it comes with a user manual or guidelines for installation and smooth functioning. You miss a few steps and the gadget will not operate as desired. Similarly, why can't we have a personal user manual for a better functioning of life?

Your personnel user manual will serve as essential guidelines for how we interact with others and, most importantly, to manage our internal world. Once you understand and set up the boundaries, that will act as a protective layer around you. Just a random person won't be able to walk on your mind with their dirty feet. You must understand that setting boundaries is not just an activity that teaches you self-protection. Its impact is way deeper which you might realize after 10 years from the day you start practising it. Personal boundaries are those invisible lines that describe our physical, emotional, and mental space.

Some of you must have some set boundaries and be content in your own space. By not having clear boundaries, we are exposed to various risks. "Burnout", a state of persistent physical and emotional exhaustion, is the biggest of all. We find ourselves consumed by things that or most unnecessary in our lives. The world is very demanding and the burnout rate is quite high which often arises from not being able to cop up and say "No" to the excessive demands. The world will never be satisfied with you. You have to understand it and put a full stop. When you are overburdened it reflects on the other aspects of your life. You remain grumpy and that leads to strained relationships and conflicts.

Without clear boundaries, our self-esteem may be impacted as we put others' needs above our own regularly. That might give birth to a feeling of being undervalued and unimportant. This can result in a reduced sense of identity and a constant state of dissatisfaction. Thus, the onus is on you to engage with the world in a manner that is respectful and self-sustaining.

Saying "No" Gracefully

You can always say NO abruptly and end it then and there. No one is going to sue you for that. But saying it like an artist so that no one feels bad about it is a form of art. It is not about just uttering the word "No". If you are a considerate person, you would surely be in an awkward position. Thus, to convey it in a way that preserves your relationships or even professional decorum, you must learn this art. Here are some techniques that can be used for saying "no" gracefully.

What's your priority?

The first thing I am teaching my mind is that charity begins at home. You are responsible for yourself one comes forward to take the blame for you when you mess something up. Then, what's wrong with making yourself your priority? I know, it might appear as being selfish. If you are a sensitive person, this will be your biggest hurdle. Worrying about coming up as selfish. But the day you overcome this; you will shed the unnecessary burden.

So, whenever I encounter such a situation, I invite an urgent meeting with myself in the washroom and the agenda is "Assess Your Priorities". Before making a promise or committing to any request, go to a quiet place and evaluate how it aligns with your personal and professional objectives. If it contradicts your plans, then remember, it's okay to decline. But one thing is significant here. Before you start feeling normal about saying no to someone, you must train yourself to take a no from someone gracefully.

Be Crystal Clear:

Being clear and concise is a very crucial attribute to have. If you are not clear that means you are vague. Vagueness leads to confusion, misunderstandings, misinterpretations, and repeated requests. I have committed the mistake of being like a muddy glass of water many times. The most common and awkward situation we feel ourselves in is when someone asks for money. No judgments, but it's the most common one considering the tough times and the battles everyone is fighting. But again, refer to point one, Charity begins at home.

So, a friend of mine asked for some money from me. The amount wasn't a lot but I had my commitments. To avoid offending my friend, I made an excuse that I was expecting some money back next month from another friend. I thought this friend's need must be urgent and he would figure something out by next month. But guess what, he reached out the following month again and asked for an even bigger amount. I found myself stuck in the same situation that I could have dealt with in a better way.

Lesson -A simple, direct statement can be more effective and respected. This approach reduces room for negotiation and communicates your decision. If they still don't understand then it was just a relationship of convenience.

Offer a Plan B:

To convey the feeling that you are being considerate about the proposal, offering a plan b or another alternative is a very gracious way to decline. It makes you feel less guilty, and the other person also thinks that you are willing to provide a solution. It's my personal favourite. I use it at work mostly. If I don't want to be at a non-mandatory meeting, I offer to review the minutes and provide feedback at my own convenient time. (In extreme circumstances- you can also use it as an escape plan by offering a situationally unrealistic option)

The "OREO " method:

You all must have seen, if not tasted, the OREO biscuits. Just like the way Oreo biscuits look, you can insert your denial in between two positive statements. It is a communication technique to deliver a negative message or criticism between two positive or complimentary statements. In my personal experience, the Oreo method surely does some damage control. It might not make the other person feel good about your denial, but it would surely soften the impact of the negative message by surrounding it with positive or neutral statements. Let me give an example-

1st positive layer- " I was so looking forward to hanging out tonight- I always have a blast with you"

White Oreo filling- "But unfortunately, I have to bail this time. I was swamped with work this week. I am so low on energy that I booked an appointment with my couch"

2nd positive layer-"Let's reschedule though. I am so looking forward to trying that new restaurant on Main Street. We always have memorable times.

Silent Signals:

Well, these days plans are made and cancelled by phone or messaging mostly. Where your body language is replaced by emojis you use in your denial message. But effective body language and tone of your voice can save the day for you. It's a different matter if you do not care what the other person feels. But if you want to preserve the relation then it's extremely crucial how your body language is received. Using a calm and steady voice, keeping an open posture and maintaining eye contact; these non-verbal gestures convey how sincere you are. If someone is immature enough to get offended then no matter what you do, these ideas won't help. However effective body language ensures that your refusal is not mistaken as disinterest or disrespect.

This/That Effect of Setting Boundaries

You may not realize now but setting the boundaries can have a profound impact on how you live your life in the long run. Setting boundaries is not merely a change of behaviour or attitude; it is going to fundamentally transform various aspects of your life. You are the boss of your life. It's for you to decide and establish clear parameters around what is acceptable and what is not. You may come across as a selfish person. But, what is wrong with thinking about yourself, as long as you are not harming anyone?

Once you set the boundaries you develop a sense of personal empowerment or experience heightened self-respect. Self-empowerment might bring some arrogance with it. There is a fine line between both. You will surely spark some resistance from people around you who are accustomed to different dynamics. When set your priorities and communicate them effectively, you indirectly teach people how to treat you. Some will accept it some won't and may cut ties with you.

When it becomes a common understanding about you, that this person is clear in his thoughts, mutual respect and understanding become the norm. There will be less room for resentment. There will be a lesser burden of expectations and obligations in your relationships. Over time, those around us will understand and respect these boundaries, contributing to a healthier and more balanced interaction landscape. That is freedom.

However, it becomes extremely important how you approach the resistance of people around you. It's a handle-with-care kind of situation. You can not set the same parameters for different people. Your approach might have to vary slightly. You have to do the manoeuvring based on the proximity of people around you. In the workplace, your boundaries should revolve around professionalism, workload capacity and not becoming a yes-man always. You can not allow Tracey to keep dumping piles of work on you, just because she has a better pay grade. Likewise, when it comes to personal relationships you must give priority to empathy and mutual self-respect. You might have to be diplomatic at times but reaffirm your boundaries gently but firmly. Once you can blend these characteristics into your nature, you can set your boundaries without sacrificing your relationships or professional reputation.

Personal lesson

A close friend of mine is an accountant. He started his business a couple of years ago and now has a regular clientele of about 500 people. I asked him if he could do my taxes for this year. He blatantly said "No". He said it's his rule not to do it for people he is close to. I thought that was exactly the point of being close. You help people you are close to. He clearly said "No". I was hurt and sad. I thought I was the only one taking it as a very good friendship. He doesn't even consider me a special friend. I was dejected for a few days and decided to have a practical relationship with that friend. It took me a while before I understood his boundaries. As soon as I understood and realized the importance of those boundaries for him, our relationship went back on track. That was a learning opportunity for me.

Conclusion

Well, In crux is, that protecting your energy through the art of saying "no" can indeed be life-changing. You might think how big of a difference it is going to make in a person's life. It has become our tendency to expect instant results and benefits. However, the benefits of setting the boundaries extend far beyond the immediate context. The less you consume yourself in cribbing about a situation you could have dealt with in a better way, the more you can use your energy to enhance your productivity, bring clarity to your relationships and ultimately solidify your self-respect. These are desperate times all around the world. Don't you have better things to use your energy on instead of giving justifications to people who probably won't ever understand you? Please set yourself free.